when it’s the only thing you need
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So, I live my pretend world with my lies and my fake emotions. So, what I’ve dreaded and been terrified of for years have all been a fabrication of my need for attention, for your approval apparently. This darkness that surrounds me is nothing but a made up fantasy of mine, as if I would ever want this burden to carry, this guilt that always looms over my shoulder, weighing me down, dragging me ever deeper into the earth. This sadness of unknown origin inside my heart and mind is just an excuse for myself for something that I don’t even know. My excuse, my lies, my fantasies, my so-called depression. All made up lies. All false and fake.
Well, here’s some truth for you. I wish I had never been born. I’m not worth all this heartache and headache. I’m not worth all this pain and agony. If I just disappear don’t try to find me, don’t even think of me. Just be glad, be happy that I’m gone and will never burden you again.
Here’s a truth for you. I’m sorry that I have survived this long. I wish I had taken my life that one cold night. Everything would have been aces for you now, wouldn’t it?
(Dead Poets Society, 1989)